I think these two quotes explain me fairly well. Although, I wouldn’t say paralyzed or isolated by the rejection of others. Isolated by my own volition…definitely. It seems so much less complicated to isolate myself. Much less stressful. I enjoy my own company. Doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. A lot of my underachieving or efforts to isolate myself seem to be an effort to gain that ever-elusive “stress free” life. I just don’t believe that working for 40-50 years, trying to save as much as we can for retirement, retiring and then dying, is what we are here for.
The passage of time, of human existence on this planet, has warped civilization into something that, you’re right, seems very difficult for me to connect solidly with. I’ve tried so many things, religion or spirituality not among the least. I always manage to think/feel myself right out of a relationship with God, though. If you’re familiar with the prodigal son, I’m him about 20 times over. It really is pretty depressing if I stop to dwell on it for too long. The funny thing is that the Bible and several wise, spiritual people have tried to teach me not to think/feel my way when it comes to God, but to trust in his Word. You’d think, being relatively intelligent, that I would’ve learned by now. LOL. What a conundrum.
I’m starting to feel a little silly and see that I’m rambling, but talking it out does seem to help. Knowing that MAYBE someone will read this and understand or better yet, relate, is somewhat comforting.
I’m a fairly serious underachiever. I do have a good paying job, though. At least until I retire from the military in a couple of years and then…who knows? I’m fairly certain of my abilities to say/do the right things during interviews in order to land a job, but I don’t even have a bachelor’s degree. There are many other people more qualified on paper, who don’t have jobs right now.
I wouldn’t worry as much if I didn’t have a family to support. I’ve saved up a decent amount of money to afford unemployment for several years, but I would hate to put my family through that and also want to give them a comfortable lifestyle. The underacheiver in me is in constant battle with the responsibilities I’ve managed to accrue.
Here it is. I’m not looking to be further educated, learn a new language, get in the best shape of my life, I’m not trying to better myself in any way.
I just want to be happy with life. Is that so much to ask? Unfortunately, longevity runs in my family and the way it’s looking right now, it’s going to be a LONG, miserable road.
I’ve tried to sign up for college courses, only to drop them after the first class due to lack of interest or too much stress dealing with the added responsibilities. I’ve tried to find hobbies, but again, lack of interest rears its ugly head. I can’t seem to find anyone who thinks like me or that I have things in common with. I can socialize easily enough, though. People that know me, say I’m like a politician…God forbid! It is all an act, though. All the while, I’m thinking about a million different, deeper things under the surface. I’ve turned to drinking to forget about things for a while. To escape reality. That doesn’t help the following day. The whole alcohol/depressant thing isn’t great for someone in my condition. I don’t suggest it. Although, the escape is fun enough while it lasts.
Am I a smart, underachiever or just lazy? I’d rather be at home, in bed, shades drawn tight, watching TV or a good movie, not thinking about anything. What a pitiful, non-contributing existance for someone (I feel anyway) who is capable of so much more. What a waste of a life. I see problems so clearly and can can quickly find ways to address them, but my position at work and how people perceive me never allow it. A little social retardation there maybe. No, definitely. The work environment has always been a problem for me. Saying the wrong thing during office confrontations has always been my downfall…even to superiors. I just can’t seem to immediately come up with that right thing to say to make them understand where I’m coming from or what I’m thinking/feeling. I think my strong feelings get in the way.
I have had moments of brightness, though. Being selected for a leadership award by my peers and finishing first in a leadership class of 75. Earning quarterly and annual awards. Multiple promotions…when I do finally get around to studying for them.
My father told my wife recently that he thinks I’m bi-polar. I had to laugh at that one. Just another person who doesn’t understand. Anyway, I don’t know where this is going and I’ve definitely gone past long-winded. If you can offer any insights or alternate perspectives, I’d love to hear them. Thanks for listening.