Underachieving Smart People – Understanding Their Struggles To Succeed
“If you’re so smart, how come making it in the real world is so hard for you?” Only a few of us actually would say that out loud, of course – but a lot of people think it.
We’re not all agreed on what “very smart” even means, but we do know more than ever that the term “intelligence” gets at something that is real, a big part of which is biological, and efforts to measure it are getting ever more sophisticated – despite how elusive it’s essence might be.
We’ve all learned that intelligence isn’t the only asset that counts toward success, but it’s also just as obvious that an awful lot of successful people are very smart. What’s harder to make sense of is the existence of that small, yet persistent, group of people out there: very smart people who don’t seem to be going anywhere.
What can be so maddening is that the lack of intelligence can be such an obvious impediment, while it’s not clear at all why high intelligence should ever be an obstacle. So, just what is it in the mind of a very smart person that causes problems?
One thread may simply be that some of those very smart folks simply enjoy the way their mind works to the point that they don’t much notice or care that they haven’t landed in some sort of lucrative economic position. They’re oblivious.
More common, I’m afraid, are the very smart people who fail to connect with something solid and suffer, to a greater or lesser degree, because of it. The question is still, How does this happen? Why hasn’t high intelligence resulted, finally, in a minimal connection to the grid?
Fear of failure is the obvious one, because failure will puncture their iron grip on a version of themselves they hold so dear – the misunderstood, undiscovered genius/artist – and possibly expose them to judgment and embarrassment at the hands of mere mortals.
Fear of success is another thread, and gets at the disruption of the “now” that might come when forced to focus and function, produce work on someone else’s timetable, and possibly become the very person you’ve promised yourself never to become. It’s a hassle, man.
Some very smart people are selectively smart about inanimate or abstract things, which can make them clueless about the real world out there – how to behave, show awareness of feelings, social intelligence, etc.
On the other hand, some are actually pretty clued-in (even acutely so sometimes), know a great deal about feelings (theirs as well as others’), and yet are still laid low, paralyzed, easily hurt, and can become isolated either by their own volition, the rejection of others, or a combination of both.
Still others are not so loveable and are more isolated. They brood at home, hold marginal jobs, and are chronically un- or under-employed. They just don’t connect to people in ways that sustain relationships.
Some very smart people do have loving parents, but very often the parents have their own version of the same problems, and turn out to not have been much help guiding their children through the modern world so far.
Functioning normally involves an integration of cognition and “emotion management” that we tend to take for granted – unless we don’t have it. It boils down to that implacable truth of the human condition (even the “very smart” human condition): it’s all about our feelings, and the illusions we invest in so stubbornly in order to see ourselves the way we think we need to.
Sure, the narrative about the social clique rejecting the nice but slightly quirky outsider is a cliché, but it’s true often enough to need to be taken very seriously. The hurt from feeling like a weird outsider is real and destructive.
And some turn rejection around, of course, and insist to themselves they’re choosing failure, rejecting the world and success because their special-ness is not recognized. Many people make themselves very sick by going with that one. It can be so sad.
If the individual in question is willing to get help, that’s a real leg up. Psychotherapy can be just what’s needed, but so can Coaching, or an Adult Ed class, or an Outward Bound trip. Action always helps.
But if they resist all the suggestions and urgings, then it’s the loved ones who need and shouldn’t hesitate to get help – help with managing conflict, help keeping channels open and hope alive, and help with having their own lives.
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How do you post a comment/question about being a smart, underachiever without sounding ego-centric? I guess the anonymity of the Internet will allow me minimal worry and a decent nights rest.
Let me quote your post above a few times…to try and explain where I’m coming from.
“So, just what is it in the mind of a very smart person that causes problems? More common, I’m afraid, are the very smart people who fail to connect with something solid and suffer, to a greater or lesser degree, because of it.”
“On the other hand, some (smart underachievers) are actually pretty clued-in (even acutely so sometimes), know a great deal about feelings (theirs as well as others’), and yet are still laid low, paralyzed, easily hurt, and can become isolated either by their own volition, the rejection of others, or a combination of both.”
I think these two quotes explain me fairly well. Although, I wouldn’t say paralyzed or isolated by the rejection of others. Isolated by my own volition…definitely. It seems so much less complicated to isolate myself. Much less stressful. I enjoy my own company. Doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. A lot of my underachieving or efforts to isolate myself seem to be an effort to gain that ever-elusive “stress free” life. I just don’t believe that working for 40-50 years, trying to save as much as we can for retirement, retiring and then dying, is what we are here for.
The passage of time, of human existence on this planet, has warped civilization into something that, you’re right, seems very difficult for me to connect solidly with. I’ve tried so many things, religion or spirituality not among the least. I always manage to think/feel myself right out of a relationship with God, though. If you’re familiar with the prodigal son, I’m him about 20 times over. It really is pretty depressing if I stop to dwell on it for too long. The funny thing is that the Bible and several wise, spiritual people have tried to teach me not to think/feel my way when it comes to God, but to trust in his Word. You’d think, being relatively intelligent, that I would’ve learned by now. LOL. What a conundrum.
I’m starting to feel a little silly and see that I’m rambling, but talking it out does seem to help. Knowing that MAYBE someone will read this and understand or better yet, relate, is somewhat comforting.
I’m a fairly serious underachiever. I do have a good paying job, though. At least until I retire from the military in a couple of years and then…who knows? I’m fairly certain of my abilities to say/do the right things during interviews in order to land a job, but I don’t even have a bachelor’s degree. There are many other people more qualified on paper, who don’t have jobs right now.
I wouldn’t worry as much if I didn’t have a family to support. I’ve saved up a decent amount of money to afford unemployment for several years, but I would hate to put my family through that and also want to give them a comfortable lifestyle. The underacheiver in me is in constant battle with the responsibilities I’ve managed to accrue.
Here it is. I’m not looking to be further educated, learn a new language, get in the best shape of my life, I’m not trying to better myself in any way.
I just want to be happy with life. Is that so much to ask? Unfortunately, longevity runs in my family and the way it’s looking right now, it’s going to be a LONG, miserable road.
I’ve tried to sign up for college courses, only to drop them after the first class due to lack of interest or too much stress dealing with the added responsibilities. I’ve tried to find hobbies, but again, lack of interest rears its ugly head. I can’t seem to find anyone who thinks like me or that I have things in common with. I can socialize easily enough, though. People that know me, say I’m like a politician…God forbid! It is all an act, though. All the while, I’m thinking about a million different, deeper things under the surface. I’ve turned to drinking to forget about things for a while. To escape reality. That doesn’t help the following day. The whole alcohol/depressant thing isn’t great for someone in my condition. I don’t suggest it. Although, the escape is fun enough while it lasts.
Am I a smart, underachiever or just lazy? I’d rather be at home, in bed, shades drawn tight, watching TV or a good movie, not thinking about anything. What a pitiful, non-contributing existance for someone (I feel anyway) who is capable of so much more. What a waste of a life. I see problems so clearly and can can quickly find ways to address them, but my position at work and how people perceive me never allow it. A little social retardation there maybe. No, definitely. The work environment has always been a problem for me. Saying the wrong thing during office confrontations has always been my downfall…even to superiors. I just can’t seem to immediately come up with that right thing to say to make them understand where I’m coming from or what I’m thinking/feeling. I think my strong feelings get in the way.
I have had moments of brightness, though. Being selected for a leadership award by my peers and finishing first in a leadership class of 75. Earning quarterly and annual awards. Multiple promotions…when I do finally get around to studying for them.
My father told my wife recently that he thinks I’m bi-polar. I had to laugh at that one. Just another person who doesn’t understand. Anyway, I don’t know where this is going and I’ve definitely gone past long-winded. If you can offer any insights or alternate perspectives, I’d love to hear them. Thanks for listening.