A supervisor who had recently become the Office Manager of a very busy State bureau came to see me – supposedly – about a personal problem at home. Truth was, she was checking me out because she’d been “nudged,” and told I might be helpful with her true problem  – managing people at work.

 For many years, she’d been the “trusty right arm” to her boss, a remarkable woman who’d been in her job fourteen years, and then abruptly had to leave due to Breast Cancer.  My client was the obvious choice for the battlefield promotion, but the truth was she wasn’t prepared for what the job really was: lion tamer.

Replacing that boss would have been hard under any circumstances, but my client somehow hadn’t been paying attention – while still, actually helping her boss succeed.  She tended to react off the top of her head, had trouble owning mistakes and apologizing, and some of the people she was alienating were not just the obvious, “usual suspects,” but were some of her most ardent early supporters and natural allies.

It turned out there were some problems at home. Her essentially good marriage was being strained by disagreements with her husband about handling their youngest daughter, who’d just bombed out of her Freshman year at college (costing a lot of un-refundable money) was now unemployed, and sleeping-in most mornings.

From the EAP standpoint, taking up the “home front” part was fairly straightforward – a meeting with my client and her husband, focusing on the need for both of them to stay on the same page, be both understanding AND jointly focused with their daughter, stay concrete, create strategies with timelines, but – above all – to commit to consistent follow-through.

Meanwhile back at the workplace, as so often happens, events were racing ahead.  A mini-delegation had already gone over my client’s head, to her boss – essentially conveying unhappiness and anger at what it was like to deal with her.  To my client’s eternal credit, her reaction was more hurt than anger, defiance, or disdain – the far more common reactions I see from others in roughly similar situations.

With that as our point of departure she was able to fess up to how “anxious” she’s been - ”not just recently” - but nearly all of her life.  She realized that watching her boss had been like being front row center for a virtuoso performance she took for granted . She admired it, and was gratified to be associated with her boss’s “success,” but in hindsight now realized she had “no clue” how her boss had pulled it all off.  My client was wired differently, and just couldn’t “ever put up with so much nonsense” without getting judgmental, upset, and unable to hold it all “in my anxiety-laden head.”

To make a long story short, our coaching focused on listening skills – especially including listening to herself – managing feelings, learning to not be afraid to not know something, and developing a slightly more collaborative approach.Simply having someone – not her direct supervisor – with whom she could speak from the heart about situations she hadn’t prepared for, but were now “on top of me,” made a huge difference.

She became more relaxed, which was sensed in the workplace almost immediately. I actually got a grateful, handwritten note from one of my client’s co-workers saying that the atmosphere was 100% better since my client had come to see me, and that others in the office were also very appreciative of the changes, and wanted her to tell me so.

Post script:

It turns out that the person who wrote the note had also been an EAP client, and was the one who’d lobbied heavily that her colleague make an appointment to see me. Behind the scenes at work she’d also been a voice of moderation and patience, which had helped steer things away from a total wreck.

I wish I could say they all lived happily ever after, but it seldom quite works that way. Things were better, and the entire office undoubtedly benefited from the small but real changes my client achieved. But it wasn’t a total metamorphosis, and the truth was she never really got comfortable managing such a busy, relentlessly boisterous operation.  And by the way, her own direct supervisor watched it all happen without saying a thing, or being any help at all. 

She weathered the storm with dignity, picked her moment, and then slid sideways into a smaller, quieter department just shy of the second anniversary of her promotion. Of course, part of what makes it memorable was the “thank you” note – they obviously don’t come very often.

 But that case highlights how helping a supervisor has a direct impact on the people affected by that supervisor. Many good, competent people need a safe place where they can talk and think about their real problems supervising live people.

Coaching works.

Below is a 3-minute MP3 file you can click on, and below that is a transcript of the text:

Divorce: Take the high road

“Take the high road.” That gets said a lot, and it’s generally good advice for all of us, but it’s by far the best way to go for someone going through a divorce – especially because, so often, that’s not the first instinct.  

It’s not about being a saint, but it is about really trying to be a “class act” during a very tough time that should be seen as sad for all concerned. It means being honest and fair-minded, and as good a human being as you reasonably have it in you to be – despite how justifiably upset you are. Yes, it’s hard.  

And yes, it’s partly a “performance,” because there is a relentless desire to howl – in outrage and despair – and to strike back, not just receive the blows.  

Anyone newly facing divorce, might reasonably fear that taking the high road means being passive, not willing to “fight,” and then worry that it can be seen as, and even actually be, a character flaw that invites scorn and further aggression.  

True enough – there’s no guarantee your “ex” will take the high road, or even that anyone else is noticing closely enough to appreciate what you’re doing, and it’s impossible to totally rule out the possibility that something bad might happen because you weren’t in “all out war” mode yourself.  

Taking the high road communicates that you at least take your own life seriously, and that – down the road – you don’t want to look back at this major life crisis, and cringe at how you managed yourself.  

I haven’t mentioned kids or money deliberately, because too often they become the excuses for why someone wanted to take the high road but “couldn’t.”   The reality is, taking the high road generates personal benefits beyond now. It’s a commitment to emotional health.

It doesn’t mean not defending yourself against attacks or falsehoods, (in fact, you must defend yourself) but it does mean the way you do it shows values and boundaries.   It would mean you’ve achieved something most people never do – a successful “grip,” executive control of your thoughts and feelings – and it was accomplished in the midst of a very difficult, emotionally-charged situation. 

That’s no small thing, in fact it’s an impressive, admirable personal achievement, that will serve you for the rest of your life. On top of that, it can be a transforming, “learning” experience that actually puts you on a path to be eligible for that ever-elusive goal – true human happiness.

I once had a client we’ll call Phil, who came to see me because, as he put it, “Work is starting to get to me, and I’m not handling things the way I should.” He was a supervisor in a blue collar environment, mostly men, but an increasing number of women.

Phil’s boss wanted me to “fix” him, but what that really meant wasn’t clear.

Phil had been there going on 18 years, had outlasted several management makeovers, and an ownership change. Even though there were no barriers to firing him, like a union or strict seniority policies, there was no stomach for it either.

The real concern was the persistent, low-level grumbling from his employees that Phil was getting harder to deal with, that he made it all about him, didn’t listen, seemed to be on automatic and slightly agitated all the time. Sure he was outwardly gregarious, but it covered a more arbitrary “just do it” piece just beneath the surface – and he wasn’t as sharp as he used to be. He didn’t always remember totally what he’d said yesterday, but mostly denied or minimized any problem.

The women found him annoying because he was so unapologetically a “guy” who assumed you’d watched the Patriots game yesterday, or wanted to banter with him about the point spread, car engines, or how “kids these days” don’t know how to get a job done.

Truth to tell, Phil wasn’t messing up that badly in the day-to-day performance of his duties. Yes, his style was a turnoff to the younger, more diverse staff, but it was uncanny how he never quite stepped across the line, or served up a concrete incident that might trigger a harassment claim, or could be highlighted as a performance problem. He actually knew the job cold, and had done surprisingly well at learning the updated information systems recently put in.

I received a few compliments because Phil had actually gone back to see me a second time, and supposedly seemed “slightly better.” I wasn’t buying it. Now that I’d eyeballed Phil on the job I could see the situation was going no place good.