I’ve heard you talk about parenting, especially Special Ed kids, and you spoke about parents being Case Managers.

Could you explain a bit?

Shaun:

Here’s a “case” that illustrates some things of the things I’ve seen to be helpful.

Helen never thought it would get to this: thinking and feeling things about her son, and his situation, that were terrifying - and just so sad.

Unlike Helen, her husband was able to vent his frustration and indignation more easily, starting when Jonathan was much younger, but now even he was becoming exhausted, and increasingly detached.

Yet again, Jonathan (now age 26) had “quit” therapy and stopped taking his meds.  He wasn’t looking for work, and wasn’t even attempting the nominal chores he’d agreed to do as “in-kind” payment of rent - negotiated with the help of the latest family therapist they’d gone to for 4 months.

Mostly Jonathan sat in his room - even on warm, sunny days - surfing the net and talking on his cell to either his cousin Rob, or his one remaining friend from Middle School.

But even Rob was getting exasperated, and having a hard time being loyal to the idea of who Jonathan once was.  In fact, Rob was becoming filled with dread.

Jonathan had been such a delightful youngster, gliding through school so effortlessly – exuberant, creative, really fun to be around. Now, Helen ruefully recalls her early twinges of anxiety about some of what she was seeing, but also remembers being reluctant to say anything, minimizing her husband’s concerns, and even going against some of his efforts to “address” Jonathan’s behavior.  It had definitely strained the marriage. 

It wouldn’t quite be fair to say Helen was a parody of June Cleaver, but she’d always intended to be a Mom, which meant loving, supporting, encouraging, defending, protecting, and forgiving her son -  and counting on all that to make everything turn out OK.  But selective denial wasn’t working anymore.

One afternoon she saw someone on “Oprah” who called himself as a “parenting coach.”

He described some situations very close to home for Helen, including those endless encounters with educational and clinical professionals, most of whom were sincere and competent, but results were disappointing - and expensive. His point: you’re a case manager whether you sought it or not, so why not get it right. 

Amen. Case managers are the ones who keep track of what has happened, and keep the focus on where things are supposed to go - while noticing what’s actually working. 

It’s the eye-on-the-ball stance that a good case manager takes that makes the difference for the long haul. Sure, parents love their children more than case managers love their clients, but that should enhance, not harm, the chances for success.

Are some aspects of “the problem” innate - biological and medical?  Of course.  Did Helen and her husband contribute to the mess they’re in?  Probably - in fact, almost certainly.

But so what?  The point is: where do we go from here?  If Jonathan won’t seek help, that needs to be responded to, but Helen needs to move forward anyway.  Continue to consult with experts.  Ask questions.  Read up. It’s all good.  The Case Manager stays on track, whether the client does or not.

Heard about “tough love,” but didn’t like what you heard?  That’s fine - don’t threaten to throw him out of the house.  (Never threaten to do what you don’t really have the stomach to do.)  But use some of the real power you have to not give in, not feed or reinforce, not subsidize, above all not go into denial and “cooperate” with someone who’s not essentially cooperating with you.

The point is to feel more and more comfortable managing what’s yours to manage, and sticking to your guns about rules, safety, integrity, etc, with or without ultimatums.

It’s not clear whether Jonathan is clinically Depressed or, even worse, suffering from a thought disorder - or other major mental illness.

Maybe he’s got the Peter Pan syndrome (“I won’t grow up”) or he’s just a slacker (not likely.)

In the postmodern world, parenting often isn’t finished when the kid hits 18 or 21.  Like it or not, effective parenting boils down to love combined with focus, concentration, and learning.  Yes, it’s a job

Should his parents talk to Jonathan about it? Of course. They should be totally above board about what she and her husband are up to.

Hopefully, Jonathan can finally get his legs under him, and make his way.  In the mean time, the task is having a good life, making the best of what is, and can be, adapting to living together under one roof – but still positioned for future possibilities.

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Diane knew going in that her brand new assignment had never been voted anyone’s “50 Best Places to Work” – but she wasn’t quite prepared for the mess she found when she got there.  Her proven ability to train and implement networking software specific to warehouse systems had given her this chance to earn “pretty big” money taking on an old, static cold storage company’s “do or die” attempt to transition into the modern age.

The old fashioned, paper-based record keeping was barely the half of it.  The tiny office staff did have computers – but mostly to do word processing.  And actually, some of the oldest staff members had hardly bothered to learn Word, let alone a spreadsheet, and preferred typing envelopes on a 25-year-old Selectric typewriter.

And out in the warehouse itself, well …it wasn’t the archaic storage and retrieval process that was the problem, so much as the semi-Neanderthal work culture that had taken hold out there.  When she’d walked around introducing herself to the line troops, inside and on the loading docks, the attitude was barely civil, and she actually found herself frightened by a couple of extra-surly fork-lift operators who made no bones about what they thought of still another attempt to change the way things worked.

This was a first for her – having to manage people who conveyed an element of physical intimidation.  She wasn’t sure how to proceed and, sadly, she wasn’t sure whether she wanted her immediate boss to know the situation – at least, not yet.

When she called me, she’d already spent more time alone in her office - ostensibly “tweaking” the network software before the rollout - than was wise. 

Over the course of five weeks, we had six sessions which produced some points worth remembering:

Diane needed to resist being isolated.  She agreed that she needed to walk around regularly without fail, letting them know that she was always going to be around.  She wasn’t the greatest schmoozer anyway, but the negative reception she’d received had dented her confidence in her ability to connect with a primarily male, blue collar group.

I suggested she engage them by asking questions about the history of the place, what currently works well, etc – being curious.  That’s when she learned about the “innovative” refrigeration system that was still going strong after 20 years.  There was a general sense of pride in that system, even on the part of folks who knew nothing about cooling technology.  The opportunity to talk positively about themselves and the company helped defuse some of the negativity.  Some of the employees loosened up.

Being classy in the face of resistance is the way to go, and almost always works – in the long haul. In Diane’s case, her workplace was extra backward, so she needed to give it extra time to adjust to her, and what she was bringing in with her. 

Yes, rudeness and non-cooperation are performance problems that ultimately need to be taken head on.  Being slow to take offense is good, being unwilling to enforce minimally decent workplace decorum isn’t.

I advised Diane to not get caught up in the Darwinian pissing contest; the good old boys would sense immediately if she was vulnerable to that.  They WILL take a run at you, but most will quit when they see you’re not “biting.”  Diane needed to keep focused on her task - implementing the new systems and processes - and see it as an ongoing dynamic: start implementing, then perceive what happens as “information” coming toward her, to be understood and re-framed as new problems to be managed or solved.

It isn’t rocket science or magic.  The key is to keep your grip on yourself and what you’re saying to yourself.  Show confidence, patience, validate employee concerns, admit mistakes, but persevere and keep moving forward.

As so often happens, the coaching ended before the full story played out.  (I consider it a success when a client says, “Thank you for your help, I’ll take it from here.”)

The small note I got from Diane six months later essentially said, “They now have touch-screens on the warehouse floor, Excel and laser printers in the front office, and a fiber optic line direct to the owners in Pittsburgh.  It wasn’t all fun, but I’m not leaving with my tail between my legs.  Thanks.”

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Jim worked at one of those “quick oil change” places.  He’d taken the job in early May, right at the end of his Junior year of college, planning to get a better – more “worthy” one - as soon as he could. 

His willing attitude and reliable work habits meant that, right away, there he was taking on extra duties like directing cars into the proper bays, pitching “extras” like air filters and new wiper blades, and picking up quickly on how to use the register, swiping the plastic, using the right codes for credit or debit. Jim was obviously someone comfortable being out front, dealing with customers.

It all changed suddenly when Jim came in one morning, and his supervisor and two other senior employees were nowhere to be found.  Instead, a man in a suit identifying himself as the owner (of this and three other shops in the Greater Metropolitan area) greeted him.

“I can’t talk too much about what’s happened, but I’ve had to let the supervisor go, and the two others decided to go with him. I’m making you the interim Manager.  I’ll send a Manager from one of the other shops to help you as soon as I can, but we’ve got vacations and sick leave on top of this mess.  Your pay is doubled as of now.”

Feeling destiny had dropped an opportunity in his lap, Jim plunged ahead. As far as he was concerned, he’d had decent relations with his co-workers up to now, so he didn’t think becoming their manager would change things that much.

For their part, the employees had decidedly mixed reactions to the sudden changes¸ some of which took a while to play out.  One of them vocalized early and often he had “no problem” with Jim getting the promotion – but some others, in varying degrees, were bothered that such a “short timer” got elevated over them.

In hindsight, the owner hadn’t chosen Jim because of any obvious leadership qualities – it was Jim’s three years of College, and the immediate need for a trustworthy public face, along with reasonable competence and reliability regarding the minimal administrative tasks.

The owner promised Jim he’d “be around more” to help out, and handed him a Franchise DVD that supposedly trained people how to use the Point of Sale software, how to do non-routine transactions, etc. etc.

After a brief honeymoon (7 – 10 days) Jim began seeing some problems with the crew - not outright insubordination at first, but a lot of bickering and barely polite backtalk: “that’s not the way this should be done,” “he let me do that my way,” - mostly civil on the surface, but not a lot of enthusiastic cooperation.

Jim saw himself as a nice guy, and, at first thought it was a normal response to an abnormal situation, and maybe a bit of an understable reaction to being managed by someone so young.  He hoped that all he had to do was keep talking, explain why, expect that people would cooperate - and he’d ride it out. 

In the land of $6.60-$11.50 an hour employees, Jim began to realize, that wasn’t likely to work.  His favorite Aunt suggested he give me a call.

Long story short:  Jim was a very quick study.  He learned right away that a big piece of managing people was about focusing on performance, and having reasonable expectations that you then stick to.   He seemed to instinctively “get” the nature of his authority, didn’t overreach, and noticed right away how the employees “took” what he said.

He kept walking around, checking in, did a lot of “thinking out loud,” backpedaled nicely if he was wrong about something, demonstrated that he was going to keep walking around, keep noticing what needed to be done, and he was going to react to problems, not avoid them.

As you can well imagine, Jim is no longer a manager of a quick oil change operation.  Having been forged in the crucible, Jim developed tremendous early confidence in his ability to manage, and he now makes huge money working for a major corporation.

Jim’s story demonstrates the value of a good temperament combined with a “learning” attitude.  When things started getting a little rocky, he recognized right away something was happening – but didn’t overreact.  He sought help (I spoke to him 3 times), but he probably would have been OK anyway, because frankly he wasn’t all that shaken up by what was happening, didn’t take the resistance personally, and didn’t feed the negativity by pushing back. I mostly reinforced and validated his good instincts.

Unlike Doreen……

Doreen was hurt and angry.  Her meteoric managerial career had hit its first snag. She’d just found out that, when she applied for a Regional manager position, feedback existed “out there” describing her as “tough to take” and sometimes too “arbitrary.” 

It cut deeply because Doreen was rightfully proud that she’d risen far beyond where most people had imagined she would ever go.

Her parents were “just working people,” and Doreen had never even thought about a career in management – that’s what the “big-time” people did.

Starting out “way back when,” like most of her peers, she’d pretty much accepted that it might be all down hill after High School, and the only thing she knew for sure was that she wanted a family “at some point.”

She dabbled with a few Liberal Arts courses at the local Community College, while taking jobs at TrueValue Hardware, Sears, and then, while working at Lowe’s, she met her future husband.

At first, the idea was for her to be a stay-at-home Mom, while her husband continued working full-time at Lowe’s, but their finances wouldn’t let that fly.  She took a part-time, “evenings and weekends” job at National Convenience Chain to supplement the family income, and allowed her husband to be home with the kids when she was working.

Regrettably, the marriage lasted just shy of five years, and Doreen became a single Mom with a 3 1/2 year old son, and a 10-month-old daughter. 

Now divorced, Doreen realized that part-time at National Convenience Chain wouldn’t pay the bills.  She faced the classic choice: if she went on Welfare, she’d at least be home with the kids, but she REALLY didn’t want that.  To her great credit, she stepped up.

It turned out that, by this, her fourth job for a national, corporate employer, she’d actually been paying attention.  She was a cut above the average part-timer: she could multitask as a cashier, restock, and keeping the store clean – and was reliable. National Convenience Chain noticed.

They offered her a Manager’s job she could walk to from her apartment, with good benefits, including a decent childcare subsidy.  Ironically, she recalls her only hesitation was that she was terrified of having to fire someone - which she knew she’d have to do. 

Doreen went for it.  Yes, she made a few mistakes, but she turned out to be a very focused store manager, and, after two and a half years, was bumped up to District manager, which had her overseeing 3 stores.

That went quite well, too, according to Doreen - but now here she was, talking to me about the “feedback” that apparently stood in the way of further upward mobility.

Doreen saw herself as a firm, but fair boss.  “You have no idea how hard it is to find and keep good employees to work in convenience stores.”

For Doreen, her ability to manage in that environment hinged on her commitment not to “lay back” and just let things happen.  “That’s what worked for me.”

As we talked, she shared some strong “takes” about what she’d learned as a store manager:

Women were more generally reliable “hires” than men for convenience store work.  “It’s just the truth”

She got over her reluctance to fire people pretty quickly.

And, being the honest person she is, she owned being more bothered, less tolerant of screw-ups, and more aggressive when the “problem employee” was a guy.

Her instincts were “usually right” about who was going to work out well. She acknowledged a tendency to “play favorites,” and being selective in whom she invested her energies – helping some, but not others, and also in whom she “cut some slack” for their (“endless”) personal problems.

She says she came to see that if she was too tough, too early, she no doubt lost some potentially good employees. But conversely, she learned the hard way that failing to go toward problems right away “always ended in disaster.” 

“Chip on her shoulder” might be too strong, but Doreen made unnecessary problems for herself, and - frankly - didn’t do a great job of supervising some of the people who worked for her.

In hindsight, getting that feedback was a gift.  Having her career ride interrupted, being forced to own her biases, seeing the way she’d played favorites, and, above all, that she’d developed what I call “counter-aggression tactics” – she’s positioned to extract the lessons, and be a very good manager for somebody down the road.  She certainly has the raw intelligence and the guts, all she needs now is a slightly more forgiving approach toward her fellow humans - and herself.

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I remember our last chat in the lobby outside the auditorium waiting for the main speaker to close out the conference. You seemed a little wistful compared to our previous encounters, and I wondered whether being up to your Adams apple in clients now is more of a cold shower than you’d anticipated.

As I drove away, I knew I wanted to send you a short note of support, and, if it doesn’t bother you, pass along some tidbits from my experience that might apply to what you’re going through now. I’m sure you’ll ultimately be fine with the clients, but it is a bit of a jolt to see how unattentive, or unreliable, seemingly uninterested in their own problems, unappreciative, and how truly damaged so many are. Not all, as I know you know, and I also know you have plenty of clients you do, very much, look forward to seeing.

Still, there’s always some disillusionment that happens when you’re geared up to engage a client, and then receive very little real energy for that engagement coming toward you. We tend to imagine ourselves having these wonderful, dynamic sessions with our clients - validating their struggles, emphasizing strengths, and by the respect and attention we give to their life stories, affirm the existence of hope - for them, and yourself.

Sadly, it can start to feel less like active treatment, and more like custodial care - or even worse, a cynical, going-through-the-motions paperwork process. Some show up (maybe) and therefore continue to earn the DSM - IV diagnostic label you give them, which means that the government money is released and pays Medicaid, or SSI disability, etc. - as well as your salary, your boss’s salary, and the cost of the paperclips.

You’ll get past that, but first you have to go through it.

Respecting clients DOES matter, of course. Just like everyone else, they can sense your true state of mind, and how you really feel about being there with them for that session. I’m certain you’ll navigate all of this, sort out the real from the ideal, and reconcile yourself to it. Think of it as “tempered idealism.”

Your colleagues may be a different matter, however, and that’s where it can be especially hard. I’ve told you how fortunate I was that my first job was virtually a textbook model for “how it ought to be.” We were there for each other, we talked cases, we talked ideas, we fretted about the patients together, we went out for beers after the shift. It was great - and it’s been downhill ever since.

These days, it’s more like another workplace, not a sanctuary for healing, and maybe that’s simply unavoidable. Your colleagues, like you, make their own peace with the work, and then, often without realizing it, become disengaged from all the anger, sorrow, fear, and despair. It shows up in the lack of interest in talking about cases or engaging in professional collegiality, going home at the dot of 5:30, and a pervasive, but usually cheerful cynicism about virtually everything.

But you’ll notice right away, there will be some colleagues who stand out, and rise above. They fight the cynicism, they like the clients, they like the work. Respond to them, Ray. Support those people. Say thanks to those people. Cherish those people.

As I reflect on who “makes it,” it seems to boil down to a combination of temperament, curiosity, experiential reinforcement, and sometimes nothing more than pure dumb luck with some of the early cases. I remember an enthusiastic young colleague I was sure had the right stuff for the long haul, but she was unlucky, and got caught in a buzzsaw - a particularly sick client, poor supervision, paperwork that wasn’t bad (but could have been better), a family out for blood, and lawyers hovering. She crawled away.

You feel like someone wired to go the distance, Ray. Who knows. You’ll want to develop a style as freed-up as possible, while maintaining that reliable professionalism. As you know I began evolving my Coaching techniques in the late 80’s, and it kept me going in clinical work for years.

You do need to have that emotional energy to go in each day, sleeves rolled up, knowing what you do is important, and engage, listen and learn, teach, advocate for hope, really try to make a difference … and then you need to drop the ball, go home to your family, and make a good life for yourself there. You’ll pick up the ball the next day.

It’s meaningful, noble work, Ray. Truly. And, who knows - you may have the right kind of wiring, enough savvy, and the ambition to someday parlay your experiences and real, hard-won skills into a thriving private practice - writing, speaking, coaching, teaching, or consulting.

For now, it’s dues time. Case after case.

Learn. Be present. Give.

I’m betting you won’t regret it.

Warm regards,

Shaun

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Phil liked me enough to go farther down the road with the process than everyone expected, but he really had no clue, probably realized at some level that he had no clue, but just wasn’t that motivated to get a clue. Since he saw himself as not meaning to harm anybody, he resisted knowing that some of the way he was did cause harm - especially since some of his critics could be nastier than Phil ever knew how to be.

I’m sure if we measured Phil’s emotional intelligence it would turn out to be low, but I suspect his actual IQ hovers in the normal range. The invitation to be more emotionally intelligent isn’t all that welcome to Phil, basically because it might subvert the “Phil character” he’s playing.

Very long story short: Phil obviously wouldn’t sit still for Coaching, as management had hoped, but I did manage to talk him into getting a comprehensive physical checkup. The result was heart medication to address plaque in his arteries, a smoking cessation program, and a diagnosis of Type 2 Diabetes.

When I last saw him he was 15 pounds thinner, but he looked sadder, not very energized, and even though he smiled at me, and said “thanks” again, I couldn’t fight off the feeling that I’d “helped” his workplace more than I’d helped Phil.

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Phil had been there going on 18 years, had outlasted several management makeovers, and an ownership change. Even though there were no barriers to firing him, like a union or strict seniority policies, there was no stomach for it either.

The real concern was the persistent, low-level grumbling from his employees that Phil was getting harder to deal with, that he made it all about him, didn’t listen, seemed to be on automatic and slightly agitated all the time. Sure he was outwardly gregarious, but it covered a more arbitrary “just do it” piece just beneath the surface - and he wasn’t as sharp as he used to be. He didn’t always remember totally what he’d said yesterday, but mostly denied or minimized any problem.

The women found him annoying because he was so unapologetically a “guy” who assumed you’d watched the Patriots game yesterday, or wanted to banter with him about the point spread, car engines, or how “kids these days” don’t know how to get a job done.

Truth to tell, Phil wasn’t messing up that badly in the day-to-day performance of his duties. Yes, his style was a turnoff to the younger, more diverse staff, but it was uncanny how he never quite stepped across the line, or served up a concrete incident that might trigger a harassment claim, or could be highlighted as a performance problem. He actually knew the job cold, and had done surprisingly well at learning the updated information systems recently put in.

I received a few compliments because Phil had actually gone back to see me a second time, and supposedly seemed “slightly better.” I wasn’t buying it. Now that I’d eyeballed Phil on the job I could see the situation was going no place good.

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Too often, they “handle” it by simply not handling it, letting it play out, then - when the situation has broken wide-open - overreacting abruptly and arbitrarily. And because they’re high enough on the food chain, or a strong producer themselves, (or the outright owner of the business) they can get away with it.

For most managers that’s simply not an option - things only get worse with that approach. Plus, most supervisors don’t have the luxury or the backing to simply rid themselves of a “human” problem.

I’ve had many painful experiences with managers who’ve become so caught up in human issues at work they become sleepless, anxious, indecisive, distracted, or even worse - depressed, frightened, hopeless, filled with rage and self-loathing.  I’m not overstating this in the least.

If, in addition, they have personal or family problems at home, or struggle with addiction, and haven’t learned much about themselves and their own way of being stressed, it can become a nightmare. There are many ways to get on top of one’s problems.  If there’s an EAP at work, it should be utilized.  And, yes, Coaching, too, is increasingly an option for managers and supervisors for all kinds of workplace problems, and might be just what’s needed.

Managing in the postmodern world is not for the faint-of-heart.

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 So when I’m talking to a supervisor who says something like, “I’m not his mother, for God’s sake!”  I nod in wholehearted agreement, and then gently nudge them to get on with accepting that the swirl of feelings and (mis)perceptions that characterizes any workplace is a reality every much as “real” as the latest work order - and not going away anytime soon.

Do you have to be Dr. Freud to manage people in the 21st century? No, but you definitely need a knack for compartmentalizing your own strong feelings, and, up to a point, accept the emotional baggage that just keeps coming through the door every day on the backs of your employees.

It’s not about holding their hands enough, or wasting time wishing they weren’t who they are, but instead it’s about - first and foremost - managing yourself, modeling the adult perspective, and keeping the focus on the work.

Easier said than done? Of course. Once you get a feel for it, though, you’ll have far, far fewer managerial problems. That’s why it’s the already good supervisors who both “coach” their employees, and make use of Coaching themselves. It helps them get where they want to go, and then even beyond that.

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Our culture seems to nudge people to respond instantly - no hesitation - for fear of appearing weak.   So when a supervisor speaks to an employee there’s an undercurrent pushing him to be assertive, or else they think they’ve lost a “battle” that will forever cost them.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Huge damage is done when people “reply” to what someone says without thinking first, and it still amazes me how little people learn from the damage done in those encounters.

It’s far, FAR more important to listen, understand, think about what you want to say, say it carefully, and - above all - not say anything you don’t want to say, but might regret later.

I’m not even talking about some obvious, major faux pas. I’m talking about being a little too casual, too judgmental, negative, oppositional, patronizing, authoritarian, etc. - most of which would not be conscious or deliberate, of course, but does tend to happen when irritation and the desire to straighten things out NOW get the upper hand.

Is it the employee who often misinterprets the message coming back? Yes, indeed - in fact, that’s the point. The likelihood of honest mis-perception, as well as willful distortion, is high in workplace exchanges.

There are many reasons for this, most of it inherent in the way people are, and a lot of it is connected to the good old “pecking order” undercurrent between supervisors and employees that’s seldom really acknowledged. Workplace communication is, for better or worse, emotionally “loaded.” Some employees are truly oblivious, while others know exactly what they’re doing.

My point, again and again, is to not play that game! Employees can sense whether you’re listening, or just waiting for them to take a breath so that you can take “control” yourself. It actually conveys both self-assurance and respect for others when you think before you speak - not weakness. Plus it’s remarkable how often the smartest answer is “I don’t know, but I’ll find out.” 

Workplaces are far more relaxed and productive when the supervisor is comfortable inside his or her skin, doesn’t need to play one-upsmanship with the supervisees, really wants to know and understand what’s going on, and doesn’t need to let everyone know who’s in charge.  They know anyway.

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