Thanks for this article! I would love to chat further – our nonprofit is in the beginning stages of forming an EAP – and we really would like to integrate coaching into our model. We’re desiring to offer not just an EAP referral service, but ongoing on-site employee and leadership development processes in conjunction with off-site retreats and training experiences.

Kristine

You’re absolutely right, and I realize now that my editing for brevity meant that I oversimplified and didn’t quite accurately convey the true choices. At work, “fight” doesn’t mean get unpleasant, let alone nasty – it means making one’s case to the decision makers on your own behalf. Your example of “middle ground” is precisely what I meant by “fighting:” advocate for yourself by connecting your skills and abilities to what the organization needs, demonstrating your net positive impact on the organization’s bottom line, and offering to be flexible.

Plus, I agree that you can’t truly be sure of what will happen if you don’t try.

My focus with this blog is real human beings in real, human workplaces, and my small point is that most people really do know the likelihood of success before they begin, if they’re honest. They know their workplace -and they know themselves. Some workplace cultures are open to self-advocacy, even encourage it – so that’s when making your case for yourself is definitely worth the shot.

Other workplaces – which may be perfectly fine places to work – simply aren’t open and available to personal advocacy. Decisions are made far away, then announced. Frank didn’t know a single person by name he could possibly network his way to, and he cringed at the thought of doing it.

By the way, it’s actually been over a year now (Frank was happy to allow me to use his situation for the current “Ask Shaun” format) so I’m also up-to-speed with the situation in real time.

Frank’s modest little Credit Union is lucky to still exist at all, and virtually all of its administrative services were simply merged into the existing infrastructure of the regional “group” 300 miles away. Frank was right that it was a done deal, and he refers to the skeleton crew that remained in the building as “shellshocked” survivors.

Frank knew he couldn’t handle the prospect of sudden unemployment in today’s economy. He took that position at the other end of the state – but his family didn’t go with him. He rented a one bedroom apartment for nine months and flew or drove home every chance he got.

Obviously, he didn’t love it – and neither did his family. So when an opportunity back home came open at, ironically, a local branch of a large national bank (you’ve probably heard of,) he jumped on it – demonstrating yet again that it’s easier to get another job while employed full-time rather than from total unemployment.

Describing Frank as “happy” would be a stretch, since the gargantuan size of his new employer is the opposite of what Frank wants, but now he’s also going to school for a Master’s degree that will open up teaching as a possibility. Frank is clear to himself where he needs to be.

Thanks for commenting, Beth.

Shaun

It might be that nothing you can say will make a difference, but people don’t always know these things if you don’t tell them, especially if they’re new to the company.

Our alcohol- and drug-free home is one of “chronic stress” due to my husband’s “eccentricities” and due to my “afflictions.” My Anglo husband, “S,” is in his mid-fifties, is scientific in character and is perplexed by human nature, is in cardiology, was raised by Depression-Era impacted parents (father was military and dominant, and mother was an enabler), saw our retirement savings decrease by 50%, has painful foot problems, little free time, loves our children, and loves me if I fulfill his expectations. Life is measured by the dollar sign, and rational evidence determines decisions, for the most part. My Mexican parents have minor faults, but they have always shown their love for each other, and I was raised to enjoy social graces and jokes. During college, and my professional years as an educator, I was cheerful and responsible. I was very sure of myself, and happy with people. I made a priority of discouraging bad language and disrespect from our children, even if “S” was not always in step with me. My ADD seems to get worse with age, despite four medications and treatment for depression, and I am increasingly undependable with appointments and am reluctant about social obligations. For years, I have kept boxes of mementos, toys and papers that had anything to do with my children. The relics impose on our space and freedom, but I am gradually sifting and releasing, to earn more family and inner peace. My spirituality and the good parts of my life are priceless.

I have deliberately constructed the descriptions above, with the worst of the worst. However, I always know where “S” is (our community is just the right size). “S” goes to work very early, calls about groceries early in the evening, spends an hour and a half at the gym every other day, and brings the food home. He never denies us what is needed or reasonable. He strives for our children’s affection. His good qualities and his responsive soul make him a worthy family man. Late in adulthood, I was taught that the one thing that every human most wants, is not love, but to be loved. That plain, simple truth directs me to relate with my spouse with better insight and with more kindness.

Along with the mistakes that my husband and I have made, what I see that has affected my son greatly has been the fact that he has largely grown alone, without his three older siblings. He was twelve years old, when finally, brother, sister and brother were gone for college.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

My erratic viewing of my mail is, at the most, three times a month. When I saw your e-mails this evening, I went back to your website/blog, and this is what I got from you:

1. hope for my son’s future happiness, from the right things that we have done in the past
(thank you for pointing out that his future can also be promising);

2. be brave and stand firm with good parenting skills
(keep learning to do the right things with our son, and do not waver);

3. I can require civility, and be lax about the haircut
(when he spoke hatefully to me, I told him that I would not burden him more than necessary,
with my undesirable presence–that he could ride the bus to school and back, instead of
getting a convenient ride with me–which meant him having to wake up much earlier;
a contract allowed him the right to choose his rides,
if he said “Good morning” to me, cheerfully and sincerely, and was kind to me the whole
time before school started, and a similar contract for the afternoon rides–WOW!
–plus, he likes to shower, shampoo and shave-and that is good enough for me);

4. My husband and I need to renew our efforts to behave well
(this requires making time for honest soul-searching -about ourselves- together) ;

5. BINGO! My son’s abilities are not the problem–focus on the serious inabilities;

6. “think out loud” technique
(YESSSSS! I needed a description like yours, to help teach my husband!);

7. Even if we flinch at first, my husband and I need to use the “bad” moments well;
(minor and major confrontations can be skillfully used for progress–)

8. Our son needs to learn to adapt in a healthy fashion
(He has to remember that in reality, he values good social behavior from himself).

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
In the meantime:

–Our son has been taking medication (75 mg. sertraline, since start of December) greatly relieving depression,
and helps him hear our ” training ;” three days without meds takes him back to being scary.

–He takes melatonin to help him sleep, but it does not seem to really help, so far.

–He is taking additional vitamin D.

–Shrewd contracts and calmness can really help.

–He is doing much more homework. He seems to need a lot of “breaks” and the homework
many times does not show much thought, BUT remembering and completing the assignments
are of some value for him, now. My husband tries to insist on quality and monitor the work,
but behind our son’s back, I show my husband the “cut” gesture across my neck!

–I am trying, little by little, to increase opportunities with peers.

–I heard recently that feelings come from ideas, or thoughts. Maybe that is why your approach makes sense–
to think out loud is a thought process –>which reaches a conclusion (a “belief”) –>which sparks a reaction (an “emotion”).
The intelligent person does not know or understand certain social skills –>so the person thinks ill of himself or of others –>and consequently frustration, embarrassment, shame or anger is felt.

————————————————————- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
MR. KIERAN,
SOMEHOW, YOU TURNED ON THE LIGHT BULB FOR ME.

NOW I KNOW WHAT THE COUNSELOR HAS BEEN TRYING TO DO FOR MY SON.

THE TECHNIQUE IS TO ADDRESS THE INABILITIES,
WITHOUT LETTING THE ABILITIES SUFFER.

CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG.

THE PROBLEM IS THAT THE
THE SMART KID’S IDENTITY IS FROM HIS INTELLIGENCE–
OF COURSE HE WOULD NOT WANT TO BE KNOWN BY WEAKNESSES,
CONSEQUENTLY INTELLIGENCE COMPENSATES?
SO, THE INABILITIES GET OVERSHADOWED AND NEGLECTED
BY A PERFORMANCE OF THE INTELLIGENCE.

YOUR POINT ABOUT THE ABILITIES VERSUS THE INABILITIES–
KEEP MAKING THIS CLEAR AT THE VERY BEGINNING,
IF YOU WRITE MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN THE FUTURE.

********************************************************************************************

“THANK YOU”

WITH BINOCULARS,
ONE HAS TO ADJUST
A LITTLE WHEEL,
TO GAIN FOCUS.

YOU SHOWED ME
THE BEST WAY
TO TURN THE WHEEL,
AND NOW OUR SON,
MY HUSBAND
AND I
WILL BE ABLE TO SEE
SO MUCH FARTHER.

Until next time,

But thanks for including my blog.

Regards,

Shaun